Listen, I know that lots of people worked 40 hours last week, and maybe it’s not that unusual for people to do that, but for me 40 hours has been something I have not done since May of 2017. That’s nearly 2 years ago now.
In May of 2017 I left work at Grace Point for what turned out to be 4 months. I was later diagnosed with what amounted to burnout from what I was doing, you can read more about that here. After 3 months of being off work, I was able to be put onto Long Term Disability, one of the things they asked of me immediately was a Graduated Return to Work Plan. So, in October of 2017 I started going back to work, I started out not even going to Grace Point, and doing work at WEFC in order to prepare myself to go back to Grace Point. I started off just showing up for 4 hours per week. If I remember correctly, I made an appearance at Grace Point in December, and then started to work once a week or so there in January.
I remember before this all started I met with the my friends from the Grace Point Leadership, and telling them how I was doing, and what was going on. I said something like, “I do not want to go back to work, I don’t feel ready, but the professionals are telling me that this is something I should do.”
I really just kind of dragged myself through that time at Grace Point, but it was really healing for me to show myself that I could show up at work. So there was some healing that took place during this time, but it was pretty limited.
It was in March of 2018 that I found out about a friend who passed away. She was a single mom, and was way too young to die, she left behind two beautiful young children, who she adored. I went to the funeral, and tried to connect with the kids and do what I could to support the family. However, which is often the case at funerals, there was really not much I could do to bring comfort or do anything to make the situation better.
I was driving back to the church after the funeral when I completely lost it. It felt like a complete reliving of my time before leaving that May. I wound up driving home instead of back to the church.
I continued to drag myself to work after that, but found it more and more difficult to do so…and in May 2018 I was visiting my psychiatrist who said, “it’s time for you to go off work again, and get better before you go back to work again.” She told me that I should compare it to someone who hurt their back at work, and went off of work. They returned to work too soon, and wound up re-injuring their back. Should this person continue doing the same work? No, they need to make sure their back is completely healed before they return to work again.
My Psychiatrist said I should take at least 3 months off and get better before I return to work again. That 3 months turned out to be incredibly healing, and by August I was raring to go back to work. In November I returned again to work, and my Graduated Return to Work Plan had me starting slowly again, and (after some adjustments) being back at full-time in March.
Well, it’s March, and here I am, working full time. Well, at least for one week! I have been feeling really well, basically since August, and it is strange to actually know what it feels like to “feel like myself.”
So, working full-time seems somewhat natural, although, I am pretty tired. Do all of you full-time people feel tired?!
I feel like this is one of those moments that can go by unrecognized, but I want to celebrate it. I have no idea how I would have got here without the following…
My Family – my wife, my love – who has been there all along the way, not allowing me to sink into complete nothingness, and holding me up when I couldn’t hold myself up. My kids, who gave me a reason to keep going, cheering me up as best as they could. My extended family, like parents, parents in law, brothers, brothers-in-law, and sisters-in-law, who encouraged me in ways they may not even realize.
My Church – Grace Point – you are amazing! And I love that above all, you care about me, and many of you are the ones who actually “get it” more than anyone else. I love that crazy Grace Point family! WEFC – the support I have received from the church leadership, and everyone I have spoken to at that church is above and beyond what could ever be expected.
My Friends – many of these people are part of my church, and many of whom have taken on the weight of my responsibilities in my absence, you guys are absolutely amazing!
My professionals – My doctor, my counsellors, and my psychiatrist have worked together in an amazing way to help me to stand on my own, and to peel back the layers of my countless issues.
My God – who worked to put all of these things in place, and in my darkest of moments, was still there and made that clear to me in amazing ways. I can’t even imagine what any of this would have been like without the love of God, and the healing power that was so evident to me.